` Many people have noticed a change in my presence, my words, and mostly my smile these past couple of months. If you have there’s a story to go with it. About three months ago, I truly didn’t believe this would have ever happened. There’s a lot of details and different parts that all go together to make this story possible. This story is my testimony and how I not only got saved, but completely healed through Jesus Christ. I’ve been waiting till the right moment that I felt that God wanted me to share this. I believe that now is the time.
This story doesn’t start off as great as it ends. I survived with psychosis, bi polar disorder, pstd, and extreme anxiety for three years. My first hospitalization was three years ago, right after Palm Sunday. I was in full blown psychosis and truly believed the government was watching my every move. After I got out of the hospital things were slightly better, but not by much. A month later I was back in the same place I had been. I was miserable, I could barely talk or think. I had to leave school a month before it was over for the year because I couldn’t sit in a class room with other people. Those months of despair and no one being able to offer me any relief was where I began to have suicidal thoughts.
That summer was the worst time of my life. Every day I woke up and fell asleep crying. There were no good days. Everyone would tell me repeatedly, that as soon as we found the right cocktail of pills I would be right back to normal. My parents were persistently looking for a program to send me to that would help. Somewhere where I wouldn’t have such bad memories like at the local psych ward. We found a place in Austin, Texas that looked great. We were placed on a waiting list and waited by the phone for the call saying we could come. Weeks passed and we heard nothing. My parents started calling one to two times a day checking in. Every time they called, the facility would say one person was leaving soon and they would call at any moment for me to come. Everything they said would always fall through and every time it did I could feel my hope slipping away. Eventually, we gave up on the facility and decided to see a new doctor. The first appointment she turned my biggest fear into a reality, I had to go back to the hospital. She explained that because of all the medicine I was on there was no way to get off all of them safely by myself.
In September of that same year, I went back to the hospital. I had cried so much that when I got there I had no more tears. I checked myself in and stayed for almost three weeks. That week was filled with mental and physical pain. Getting off five medicines isn’t easy. I had insane mood swings, threw up almost every day, and had horrible panic attacks. Through all the pain I found a new medicine, Latuda. It worked amazing and helped relive all my symptoms. I was discharged the last week of September and felt normal for the first time in six months. I thought that all of this would just go away now.
I started online school and when that didn’t work out I did Simon Youth. All I wanted to do was go back to school to prove to myself that I was normal, but I had missed so much of that year. It was now December and I had only done one week of school in September. Symptoms now started coming back, but I tried making excuses for them and covering them up. I had my first boyfriend and he was so sweet, I just had gotten my first car, and I was doing okay in Simon Youth. I couldn’t be sick, I wouldn’t allow myself. I started doing normal things like hanging out with friends, hosting parties, and going to church. It seemed like life was on the right track.
February, I could feel myself slipping, I couldn’t go places by myself anymore and I was making rash decisions all the time. I started realizing my relationship was toxic, but I also knew I didn’t want to leave it. Life started happening and I slowly began to understand I couldn’t handle it. I kept trucking on and hoping it would all just go away. I prayed to God that he would help me. I prayed with youth pastors, went to church every week, and constantly asked people to pray for me. I couldn’t understand why God wasn’t helping me. Why hadn’t he helped me through any of it. I felt like I had done all the work and God turned a blind eye to me.
March had come and I decided to get my GED. No matter how much I would have worked I wouldn’t have been able to catch up to my graduating class, so there wasn’t any point for me to finish. I started studying and took my pretest that month. I also broke up with my boyfriend, after a huge fight I was tired of crying over him all the time. Things were on the up for me. Symptom wise, things weren’t bad either we tried a new anxiety medicine and it was working well. I was excited.
May came and I graduated with Sam Houston. No one knew me and I didn’t care. High school was not filled with good memories for me, so I didn’t mind leaving it behind me. I was happy. Things were still doing well for me. I went on vacation to Destin and for the first time I could relax.
The summer started off great, but didn’t stay that way. I lost all my friends, started seeing my ex-boyfriend again, and began having pretty bad symptoms again. My anxiety attacks would come multiple times a week. My mom had to sleep with me again. I began to feel myself becoming scared of everything again. Different pills were mixed with Latuda, but their relief only lasting a few weeks at most. I was so scared to be sick again. I wasn’t having psychosis, but my paranoia was increasingly getting worse.
August started and different pills were tried. I started feeling better. I was told I would never feel as good as I did when I started Latuda. I was told that I would never felt as good as I once felt, but in return I would never feel as bad as I once felt. The coming months would prove that both of those statements ended up being complete lies.
In September, I began school at Sowlea. It was stressful. I was expecting all my problems to fall away as soon as I started school. That was not the case. My problems began to grow. At this point, sometimes my ex-boyfriend would be blocked from my phone, sometimes I’d run to his house crying because I couldn’t figure out math problems. My anxiety was at an all-time high. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing with my life. I was in utter denial that this was my life. At this point I began to believe there was no more point for God to keep me in this world.
Things progressively get worse in the following months. At this point I’ve completely lost all belief that there was a God and if there happened to be one I didn’t care to know him. I lost all will to live. I didn’t want to kill myself, I just desperately wanted to die. Every day hurt to be alive.
I want to go into extreme detail about this so you can truly understand where I was in my life. I want people to understand how the devil can get his toe in your door and then bust it wide open. I’m not being dramatic about these things. You must truly understand where I was and how much pain I was in every single second to understand what a miracle it is that I’m alive. If this makes you uncomfortable to read about depression related things I suggest you skip the next paragraph.
In January and February, I decided to take a semester off school because I couldn’t even think about going somewhere every day. There were only brief moments of me smiling or laughing. Most days I’d have three to four panic attacks a day. I was exhausted. I didn’t want to go on anymore. Every single breath I took was filled with sorrow. I cried all the time. I rarely got dressed. I didn’t talk to many people. In fact, I didn’t really talk at all. I had lost hope on ever feeling better. I remember curling up in a ball on my bed and screaming at my mom to let me just kill myself. I screamed at her that I couldn’t do it anymore, I was in too much pain to continue. I was in a place where I was too scared to kill myself, but also a place of being at a point that I couldn’t imagine living any longer. I just craved relief.
The second week of March I began to truly pray for the first time in three years. I prayed that God would either take me out of this world or that he would give me a purpose. That Friday, I went to lunch with my grandmother and father. My grandmother asked me if I would like to go to a class for recovering addicts that she was speaking at for her church. Normally, I would say no to doing anything especially something involving a church. For some reason, unknown to me, I said yes.
That night I went to the class and really enjoyed it. I enjoyed how the people running it weren’t fake and they were nice. We went to dinner with three people from the class and somehow, I agreed to come to a church service. That Sunday, I went to the church service and enjoyed it. The message was nice. It wasn’t extremely special to me. In fact, I couldn’t even tell you what it was about now, but I felt at peace in the sanctuary.
After the service, a woman came up to me and told me that God had a message for me. This has never happened to me. I smiled and did an awkward laugh. She told me God had brought a scripture in 1 Samuel up to her brain. 1 Samuel 1:9 is Hannah’s prayer. This woman, who I have never met, tells me that she believes that I need to keep strong through my hard times. She tells me that she believes that I will be healed. I’m in awe at this. No one has ever told me that they believe that I will be healed. I don’t know what to even think of this.
After this, a man comes up to me and is telling me about the church. Mid-sentence he begins to cry and tells me he can feel a dark presence around me. He tells me that he can feel my pain. Yet again, no one has ever said this to me. No one could ever say they could feel my pain. He prays for me and I’m in awe. I smile and laugh and tell him I’ll be back tonight and I go to my car. I immediately call my mom and tell her everything that just happened. She says that she really wants to go and see this church.
That night is where everything changes in my life. Sunday March 12, 2017, I went to church with my mom. I can’t tell you what the sermon was on, but afterword’s is what matters. While everyone is singing, I see a lady go up to the alter and get anointed with oil and prayed over. I immediately get this anxiety and began to pray that this doesn’t happen to me. The same man that I got dinner with Friday night anoints my aunt beside me and I’m still very hesitant and not wanting this to happen to me. He walks away for about five seconds and then walks back to me and I know he can feel my hesitation. I was super unsure about this. He puts his arms around me and says,” I know you’re unsure about this, but God is telling me to do this. This prayer is going to change your life.” He begins to pray for me and I’m kind of just standing there not knowing what to do. Then he starts getting more specific with his words. I’ve only met this man once in my life. He does not know me from any other girl. Then he says this,” That time you were crying in your room and wanted to kill yourself, but you couldn’t do it. This is the reason. God was holding you down. HE has big plans for you and you can’t die. You will be healed.” After that I just began to sob. There is no way he would have known about that. That had to be God. After that prayer, many people came up to me and prayed over me. I immediately felt better. I had no symptoms. I had no racing thoughts. I had no anxiety. I felt normal for the first time in three years.
To this day, I have not had a single symptom. Not a single down day. I have had no depression and no anxiety. I was baptized on the 26th of April. I can sleep by myself. I can do things by myself again. I just started my first job and signed up to take classes in the fall. I’m also moving out this fall. I am truly completely healed. The only person responsible for this is God. I couldn’t save myself and my parents couldn’t save me. I’m still in awe that this happened. I still wake up every morning so filled with joy that I don’t have such horrible pain to wake up to. I’m so happy that I have found true love and don’t have to go back to a toxic relationship to feel loved. My life is different in every single aspect. I’m truly blessed and am a walking miracle. I should not be alive, but I am because of God’s undying love and power.
“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” – Isiah 53:5
“Lord, my God, I cried out to You, And You healed me. O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave; You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.” – Psalms 30:2-3
“ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11
